The beginning of my ordeal
I experienced workplace bullying in my 20’s and early 30’s as an educator. Before my own bullying experience, I’ve heard of bullying and was compassionate about victims of bullying. But I never would have thought that I would endure bullying one day. I was naive to believe that I was safe in a school environment. When the bullying started, I was not even aware that it was bullying. The latter started in 2011, when I’d just completed my Post-Graduate Certificate in Education (PGCE). My colleagues, especially much older than me, started to pick on me, out of jealousy. However, they didn’t do so directly but in a covert way. One male colleague started to mock me and spread rumours about me regularly, encouraging other colleagues to do so. Of course, not only did the teaching staff believed rumours about me, but also the non-teaching staff and many students. The bullying got worse when I started my Master of Education (M.Ed) and bought my car. By then, I started to notice that many personal objects were being stolen from my desk such as calendars, an educational DVD and even flowers that school leavers had left for me.
Personal attack on my father
Then there was a member of the non-teaching staff who started to say negative things about me in my back and who would regularly look at me with hatred. However, one day he went too far. This man knew my dad and humiliated me by humiliating my dad. My dad has a disability. He contracted polio as a child in the 1940’s and hence developed a lame leg. Fortunately, his disability didn’t hinder him from getting a good education, a decent government job and from getting married. It was when I heard whispers of degrading malicious comments and mockery about my disabled dad that I understood what had happened. The insulting comments that I heard were the following: ‘How can a disabled man cook??… Since he’s handicapped, that means he’s not productive in his work… Comme li enn handicapé, li bizin enn locataire’ (my dad has always owned his house by the way). And since my dad was handicapped, that we must be dirt poor and that I was a misfit at school since it’s a school whose intake includes many students from a wealthy background. That day I remember crying in the library. I was even branded a liar when they reported that I once told that my dad had an administrative government job. Ironically, this attack on my dad ended when one colleague whose wife had once worked with my father told him that my dad had indeed been her colleague. This cruel attack on my father deeply disgusted and hurt me and made me lose the respect I had for many of my colleagues. This attack was the one which hurt me the most in my bullying experience. A few years later, I confronted the bully. He denied it categorically as I expected him to but at least I’ve had the satisfaction of confronting him about it. He knows what he did.
All these rumours, degrading and hurtful comments were said in my back or directed in a sly manner at me and many bullies succeeded in turning many people against me. All these tactics are typical of covert bullying. When I did some research on the internet on bullying at work, I came across the terms workplace bullying and covert bullying. These two terms described exactly my situation. The staff was a large one and there was the unethical habit of discussing and/or mocking colleagues with students. Hence, the school environment was a breeding ground for rumours and covert bullying. What I said or did in the staff room was soon reported among students and what I said or did in my classes were soon reported in the staff room.
I started to swallow compulsively out of anxiety and repressed emotions, and it became another ammunition for my bullies to shoot me down. I was always on edge as I had to be very careful about what I said or did. My bullies were always closely watching me; ready to turn anything I said or did against me. I felt totally isolated. A colleague of mine whom I considered as a friend turned against me and began taking delight in the bullying. The colleagues who didn’t approve of the bullying remained silent or talked about it behind my back.
I knew that I was being targeted by my coworkers out of jealousy. They were negative people who were ungrateful for their blessings, who kept comparing themselves to me and who were so unhappy that they felt better and self-important when they tried to crush my spirit. Deep down I sensed that the bullying could have stopped if I’d given in; in other words, if I’d stopped being me. If I’d stopped giving my best to my students, stopped caring for my students, stopped being kind and compassionate, stopped going to work in my car, stopped my postgraduate studies, stopped travelling, stopped dressing nicely… in a nutshell, if I stopped being simply who I was. But I chose to remain true to myself even though it meant that I would remain a target. I am a goal-oriented person, and I wouldn’t be anyone else just to please my bullies. After I went to Australia for the graduation ceremony of my master’s degree in 2012, some of my bullies stopped targeting me as they understood that I would carry on with my life, whether they liked it or not. But some bullies became even more vindictive and hated me even more. Once they were discussing how I was doing my classes; I happened to be giving out handouts on the topic of suicide to my students. One of my bullies blurted out spitefully that I myself could commit suicide. However, I would like to say that this bully became remorseful of her bullying behaviour after a few years. But since I’m human, I don’t think that I’ll ever forget that hurtful outburst. And the witnesses of that shocking outburst didn’t forget it either since it was brought more than once during the following years.
Many of my coworkers resented the fact that I got on well with my students. Soon a few of them began to turn my students against me. One day I realised that a few of my students’ essay copybooks had been stolen from the pile on my desk. From that day on, I never left my students’ copybooks on my desk. A few years later, I learnt that during a staff meeting in my absence, one member of the management team had to remind the staff that stealing a student’s copybook from a teacher’s desk was unethical.
The use of rumour as the main bullying tactic
The main bullying tactic used by my bullies was spreading rumours about me. Spreading rumours about someone is a classic example of covert bullying. Since I didn’t have a bully but many bullies, I knew that I was being a victim of workplace mobbing. My bullies would act in groups. A person feels more powerful and stronger in groups rather than on his own. And I observed that they needed the support of a maximum of people for their bullying tactic to be successful. The bullies would maliciously spread a rumour about me and most people would believe it. I could not defend myself as I knew that people would not believe me. The rumours were spread regularly, 3 to 4 times a week. Then it became a daily occurrence. I was judged, mocked and slandered daily. They would also exaggerate my flaws and shortcomings and would blow out of proportion anything that I did or said. Anything such as me wearing a nice dress would set them off. Some of my coworkers maliciously turned my own students against me more than once. Fortunately, after a few months, many coworkers started to realise that I was being unfairly treated and that my bullies had a hidden agenda. Slowly, they began to stop participating in the mobbing. The latter ceased temporarily.
Health problems
In 2015, I started to suffer from Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). The doctors that I consulted told me that I must have developed it as a consequence of the bullying. At that time, I was unwilling to acknowledge that insight but now I know that they were right. One gastroenterologist told me that IBS was incurable and that I had to live with it. Persevering by nature, I vowed to myself that I would heal from it, no matter what. In the meantime, I suffered many embarrassing situations where I had many gassy incidents at work. When I explained my health issue to my students, they understood it and we could work normally. However, my bullies didn’t miss the opportunity to humiliate me. I sometimes heard insulting mutterings such as:’ Li bizin met couche…’ At that period though and in 2016, the haters were not as malicious as they had been previously. But still the mobbing was ongoing. Since the mobbing was covert, I didn’t always know who was targeting me behind my back. And even if I knew sometimes, I couldn’t confront them since I knew they were malicious enough to make it seem that I was imagining things. Another reason was that since I was alone but that they were in groups, there were greater risks that they could gang up on me in an even more vicious manner. However, I did report the bullying to a member of my school’s management but nothing was done.
In 2017, while still suffering from IBS, I developed a severe form of chronic fatigue. I could not climb a flight of stairs without being exhausted. The doctors couldn’t help me as all my physical tests didn’t show anything wrong. Although I tried many energy boosting supplements, I could not overcome this severe fatigue. The latter became one of the worst experiences of my life. That chronic fatigue crippled me to the point I became a disabled person. And the worst part was that I had no idea how to regain my energy levels. I had to take 3 months of sick leave as I couldn’t work properly anymore. When I resumed work, my energy levels were still very low. My chronic fatigue improved slightly when I started to take homeopathic remedies. But still I struggled to work and I would return home completely exhausted and unable to do any further work or things that I used to enjoy such as Zumba. I had to take many sick leaves. If I was able to leave my house for the supermarket or a family outing, I would pay the heavy price as I would return exhausted or unable to get up from bed the next day. In the meantime, my bullies seized the opportunity of using this chronic fatigue against me to discredit me. I was branded a fake since I couldn’t be suffering from severe fatigue. Rumours and slander about me became once more a daily occurrence. Many people judged me for my condition and I felt isolated more than ever. Thankfully I had the support of my family and of God. I also have to mention that there were colleagues who didn’t approve of the mobbing and who talked positively about me behind my back. I am grateful for the indirect support that I received during those dark times.
The mobbing at school didn’t stop at the school’s gates. Since many students and some staff live in my vicinity, the rumours and slander were regularly spread in my vicinity too. I was judged on a regular basis whenever I went about my daily life, be it in my neighbourhood, at the supermarket, at church and at a meditation centre. Being regularly observed and judged outside of my toxic workplace contributed to even more anxiety.
Partial recovery and end of mobbing
I was still suffering from chronic fatigue and IBS in 2018. Fortunately, the school management team had changed by then and they were more receptive to my bullying experience. As a result, a brief mention of bullying behaviour was made during a staff meeting. The bullies understood the message, calmed down for some time but then resumed their malicious acts as could be expected. Being physically ill for so long meant that I couldn’t cope with the ongoing bullying anymore. And I suffered from brain fog, acute stress and anxiety. The latter got so much worse that I started to get many panic attacks at work. I felt that I’d come to my rope’s ends. Fortunately, I was initiated to a natural form of healing called pranic healing by a compassionate neighbour. Week after week, I began to regain my energy levels and to heal from IBS. I was so relieved to gradually heal from these two issues and become stronger physically.
However, mentally, I was at my wits’ end. When I started to get suicidal thoughts as a result of the mobbing, I knew that I could not take the mobbing anymore. I wanted the mobbing to stop but I didn’t know how and I didn’t want to quit my job. I knew that I had to make an important decision but I didn’t know what: to quit my job or find a lasting solution for the mobbing to end. I decided to pray a novena for guidance. Thankfully my prayer was answered before I even finished the novena. I’ve had the idea of setting up an anti-bullying club for the school. When one member of the management welcomed that idea enthusiastically, I knew that it was the right decision. When students started to ask me why I was setting the club up, I decided to talk openly about being bullied without of course mentioning any names. Many students were not at all surprised while others were shocked or even disbelieved me. I will never forget the looks filled with hatred that I got when I started to open up about my bullying experience. The bullies knew that they couldn’t bully me anymore since they wouldn’t have the support of students and staff. There was a last attempt to spread a malicious rumour about me but no one responded to it and I knew that the mobbing had finally come to an end after 8 long years. My ex-bullies now tolerated me. Many would also act as if nothing had happened.
The aftermath
The mobbing had thankfully stopped but by 2019, I began experiencing strange symptoms: I developed chronic fever and body aches, chronic gas issues and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms. I thought that these symptoms were a reaction to pranic healing. But it turned out that I was experiencing psychosomatic symptoms. I was talking to the school psychologist about these chronic fever and body aches symptoms when she suddenly had an epiphany and told me that I might be experiencing psychosomatic symptoms. In other words, all the emotional stress that I had accumulated and repressed over the years were being expressed physically. I also had difficulties expressing myself verbally and pronouncing words adequately.
I decided to see two private therapists to help me overcome my emotional stress. My experiences with the two therapists were more positive than negative. However, at the beginning of the therapy, both underestimated the impact of the mobbing on me. It was clear that they had difficulties relating to bullying/mobbing as they hadn’t personally experienced it and they might have limited or no professional experience with victims of bullying. Since the bullying I experienced was covert, I had to insist with one therapist that I hadn’t made that all up. Having to prove to your therapist that what you have experienced is valid is beyond frustrating. However, it was a blessing in disguise since it spurred that burning desire to reach out to victims of bullying and become an anti-bullying consultant. Finally, both therapists validated my bullying experience. They both confirmed that my bullying experience was a traumatic one and that I had developed some PTSD symptoms. They gave me some tools to cope with the emotional and PTSD symptoms. I did my best to apply the tools and I saw some improvements. And I still had the chronic fever, body aches and gas but they were less frequent.
However, still working in the same school was a major trigger for me. I was constantly reminded of the mobbing I had experienced in the past. I didn’t have panic attacks anymore but often felt that I was on the verge of having one. I wasn’t bullied anymore but a random malicious incident would trigger memories of my bullying experience. And I still experienced chronic fever, body aches and gas. In late 2021, I started to think of resigning from my job of 15 years as I began to feel that I had done my best to heal while remaining in this working environment. I decided to take some time off and the Covid-19- work from home did me some good. However, when I resumed work at school in February 2022, the chronic fever and body aches came back with a vengeance. I remember going to work on the first day and having a good day at work. However, the next morning, I was unable to get up and go to work. I had severe fever and body aches for 3 days. On Friday, I got back to work, telling myself that I would be fine from now on. Little did I know that the exact same episode recurred the following week. On Thursday, on the eve of getting back to work, I decided that I could not live like that anymore. I needed to get my life back. And I made the decision to resign from my job of 15 years. Looking back now, resigning from my job and quitting the environment where I endured a lot was the best decision that I could have ever made for my health and for myself.
After resigning from my job, my chronic fever and body aches gradually subsided till they completely disappeared. However, my PTSD symptoms proved to be more complex. I realised that even though I’d left my job environment, anything in my daily life could remind me of my bullying experience and trigger off panic or anxiety. Even though I’d turned to natural methods to heal from my traumatic experience, the PTSD symptoms still persisted no matter what. It was when I started to do some somatic body work that the PTSD symptoms started to ease. I’m now nearing the end of my healing journey and stronger than ever to reach out to other victims of bullying to help them heal and thrive.
January 2023